Thunderous Thoughts: Thunder offseason survival guide
Welcome to Thunderous Thoughts, a weekly look at the OKC Thunder where the main story gives you life tips.
The Thunder season ended last week. We’ve all had over a week to get over the pain and move forward with our lives. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been necessary. However, if you’re still coping with the losses, allow me to help you. I’ve created this handy dandy offseason survival guide that will get you through these next few months.
Watch the rest of the playoffs
Sure, no one remaining is as exciting as Russell Westbrook, but there’s still some good stuff going on. John Wall is being awesome in the first half of games. Isaiah Thomas is being awesome in the second half of those same games. LeBron James is just being awesome.
The West isn’t all that fun though. One series isn’t competitive and the other features David Lee and Pau Gasol against the Rockets. Sorry, I’m still washing out my eyes from having to watch Enes Kanter against those same Rockets
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Sure, we’re headed for a rubber match between the Cavs and Warriors. And sure, no one in Oklahoma City wants to watch that guy who left get a ring with mouth-piece chewers and nut kickers. But….you know what. Never mind. Just watch the East playoffs and then skip the Finals.
Watch the NHL playoffs
Did you know that the NHL playoffs are currently going on? Probably not, because hockey is so unimportant in America that ESPN completely cut their coverage of the sport. If you’re unhappy about ESPN laying off a lot of good reporters, stick it to them by watching hockey.
Hockey has a lot of the same aspects as basketball. Superstars complain about calls, role players step up when you least expect it, no one knows what a penalty is, the referees have far too much influence and replays halt the game for far too long. Plus, it’s universally agreed that overtime in the NHL playoffs is the greatest thing ever.
Just make sure you ignore the insecure hockey fans who have to constantly remind you how tough hockey players are. Also ignore the non-hockey fans who look down on the sport because Canadians dominate. Finally, ignore announcers calling players clowns for dancing before the game.
Come up with the 2017-18 roster
Changes are bound to be made to the OKC Thunder in the offseason. So go crazy. Somehow assemble a team that features Russell Westbrook, Paul George, Jimmy Butler, Blake Griffin, and yourself as the starting lineup. You’re already one fifth of the way there.
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Work out a deal that lands OKC the top five picks in the NBA. Not a top five pick. All five picks. I don’t care how you do it, it’s your roster. Make it your own. You can spend hours coming up with new pieces of Westbrook to play with next season. You’ll get your hopes up that the stuff you come up will happen, but that’s what dreams are. They are designed to get your hopes up. You dream about Paul George. You end up with Rudy Gay.
Watch Netflix
Do you know how many great shows are on Netflix? I still haven’t finished 13 Reasons Why. After that, I have to watch season two of The Get Down. By that time, Master of None and Orange is the New Black will be out. And after that comes Stranger Things. Plus, I really want to check out The OA and Dear White People. And those are just the originals.
That doesn’t include me binge watching The Office and 30 Rock for the 17th time. There is so much great stuff on Netflix that you could spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week doing nothing but watching Netflix and you’d die before the 17-18 season started because if you spend 24 hours a day and 7 days a week watching Netflix, you wouldn’t eat or sleep. What I’m saying is, watch Netflix. But also do things that will keep you alive so you can enjoy next season.
Play basketball
Look at this as a major step of assembling that 17-18 roster that features Westbrook, George, Griffin, Butler, and you. You can’t join the team if you aren’t playing. Sam Presti isn’t signing you to a 10-day contract if you’re sitting on your couch watching Netflix or the NBA and NHL playoffs. However, if you’re at the Y balling with your friends, you never know, Presti could be watching.
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I’m 58.2 percent sure that this is how Semaj Christon made the roster. Just make sure you stand out when you’re at the gym. Scream “AND ONE!” every drive to the basket. Make every open shot. Have some sort of cool celebration when you hit a shot. I recommend busting out the sprinkler. We need someone to bring it back. Play with intensity on defense. Nothing allows you to stand out more at the gym than intense defense.
Be lanky and athletic. This might be the most important aspect. The good thing is you already know if you’re lanky and athletic. If you’re not, you can forgo this entire section because you’re not making the OKC roster. You should still go out and play basketball though. It’s important to stay healthy.
Take a vacation
The playoffs are stressful. Especially for fans. Because we definitely care more than the players and know better than the coaches. That’s why when the playoffs are over, it’s nice to take a vacation. Just get away from everything. Get away from your annoying friends who don’t understand the pain you’ve gone through. Say “bye bye” to the stresses and worries of your daily life. Go to a theme park. Head to the beach. Or the snow. I don’t really care where you go. I just want you to go. Because you deserve it.